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When a minesite parent returns, family life 'intrusion' can have 'step parent' effects. |
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With the family split between 2 different 'management styles',
that alternate every couple of weeks, then 'survival' requires:
clear and consistent family rules,
good communications between all members and
shared memories to sustain the family.
The 'kitchen boardroom' can be helpful,
when there is a mix of
listening to all points of view,
appreciation of everyone's feelings and
an agreed way forward.
The selfish 'step parent' effects to be avoided
include playing one parent against another to get your way
which can disrupt the whole family, sometimes permanently. Back to Issues
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| A. |
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Attraction to a remote parent can take on 'hero worship' proportions |
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The part time parent that spoils their kids,
every now and again when they turn up,
can easily create 'hero worship' support,
particularly when discipline rules are changed,
if not completely forgotten.
You have to understand the options,
instant selfish satisfaction vs long term family benefits.
'Spitting out the dummy'
when you don't get your own way
is a sign that you haven't grown up yet.
Back to Issues
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| 2. |
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After the parent returns to the minesite, re-establishing discipline can be an issue. |
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When life moves on,
demanding that possibly easier and simpler times should be returned to
may not be possible.
Like in a step family,
there is a need to adjust and re-adjust to changing life issues
and work towards improved relationships with all,
realising that this may take some time. Back to Issues
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| B. |
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Closed networks between others can leave me out & make me jealous |
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Being outside the relationships of others within the family can be disruptive to all.
Even your pets can suffer from a lack of love, affection and attention.
A way forward to reduce the effects of jealousy includes:
realisation that not all relationships must include you,
be open & contribute without limit to those relationships that you are part of,
and
overall, be happy and helpful in all matters.
Back to Issues
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| 3. |
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Grandparents & relatives with different perspectives can have 'step parent-like' impacts. |
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Grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins etc can increase the number of relatives
that can impose their different perspectives and make your whole world very difficult.
They may not have a similar cultural background, education or goals.
It can be worse than having a new step parent.
Try to look at the bigger picture involving them and your place in it.
Try to improve the two way communications,
starting with you becoming a better listener*
and use this to create an atmosphere
where you can say what your needs are
and then negotiate ways to achieve a good outcome for all.
* To be a good listener,
establish comfortable eye contact,
lean foward while listening,
have
arms & legs uncrossed,
show genuine interest,
sit or stand at the same level and
pick a place where there is little background noise. Back to Issues
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| C. |
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'Part time' grandparents can also reinforce the wishes of minesite parents. |
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When it feels that 'every is on your case'
and they're taking the side of 'your hero' on the minesite ...
but you're the only one in step
'because everyone else can't hear the beat' ....
you might be right ... but you might also be wrong!
If you have the strength and the resources, you can fight it,
but it might be easier to fall into line, even for the short term,
and see what you can discover 'about the enemy'.
So in the future, when you have more data,
then you can be your own boss,
and make those interdependent decisions. Back to Issues
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With death, divorce, and/or distraction, the "Sleepless in Seattle" factor can happen
and your world can be turned upside down ... you just cannot understand
the destruction happening around you, and you just want to make it all as it was.
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| 4. |
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In casual relationships, new 'discipline rules' can be tricky on the blended children involved. |
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A step parent is really very brave
when they graciously accept the challenge
of helping to parent
someone else's child or children.
This can become a greater challenge
when they find that their partner is unwilling to be the parent they should be,
not maintaining any practical discipline, not seeing anything as a real problem,
and
dismissing any issues, indeed making excuses
for any unacceptable behaviour. This adds more stress to the relationship.
It can be made worse if the child will not accept any discipline from the new parent
and effectively the child takes control. If you are such a child, are you being fair?
Short term impacts:
All involved need to appreciate that it will take time.
The new family mix will not be the same as the original family set up.
The controlling parent number has increased, often with different ideas.
Upsetting casual short term stays together can be tolerated, even if all the
players are disfunctional, because in a couple of days, it will end,
the situation
reset and there could be another chance to try it again
after the painful lessons are learnt.
Long term impacts:
If the new parent/step parent relationship is to work in the long term,
even if on a casual basis,
then all involved have to participate,
including the kids.
Everyone involved has to meet, halfway.
There needs to be a commitment to open conversation without shouting,
which means being a good listener, and a willingness to create a new
version of their own
history, (like special meals together, appealing holidays
and even collective pictures on the wall to treasure the common experiences).
Care has to be taken in recreating family birthdays and favourite menus etc
by the step parent. They need to be 'invited' into the original circle of players,
not try to duplicate a previous celebration.
Back to Issues |
| D. |
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Casual relationships can be quite complex and eventually rewarding. |
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Children involved in a developing blended family
need to stand back and allow it to blossom.
Indeed, teenagers involved should learn and it possible support
the developing interaction.
The relationship discussions between the 'new parents' should include:
Love and sexual expression
Communications
Commitment
Equal rights and respect of and in the new parental partnership
Equal responsibility, compatibility and companionship acceptance, and
Defining the roles of all family and friends involved in your lives.
Conversations need to be open to all with time, plus ...
Have enough time set aside to talk
Be free enough to allow all to say exactly what they feel
Be accepting enough to accept change, even if painful & scary
Accepting enough so people listen & understand intentions,
with a willingness to negotiate a WIN! WIN! outcome.
Back to Issues
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| 5. |
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Conversion to a new marriage & more children, can create ongoing 'blending' issues. |
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If / when your parent & step parent decide to
get married & maybe
start a family of their own,
you may have the chance to decide
where you want to live,
namely with the new
family ....
or possibly the second
new part time family
of your other parent.
While it may not be
easy for you, think of
the folks & what they
have to sort out that is
'best' for everyone
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Legal issues ... divorces, property settlements, possible adoptions & rewriting wills
Home size ... bedrooms might have to be shared with someone you hardly know
Costs & budgets ... including changes to social security benefits, Medicare cards
New relatives ... separation from favourites & unwelcomed new folks & their rules.
The suggestion:
Depending on the travelling distance to schools etc,
spend a fixed amount of time with both parents.
If there are getting-on-with-others problems,
you know that the time is fixed until you go to the other home.
But remember, you only have 2 choices ...
so don't stuff things up or you might lose big time! Back to issues
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